In the Middle of the Chaos

I’ve started and rewritten and deleted and restarted this post so many times. I don’t know where to start.

Each time I start writing, my mind spins in a million directions and I find myself still asking myself, “What can I give my village? What do moms need to hear right now?” I’m searching for the right words, the right message to give you.

All I can say is what I always say, what moms always need to hear. You’re doing a GREAT job!

No matter what you’re doing, in what capacity, and how you’re feeling about yourself, know that you are doing a great job at it. Even on the days you feel you’re not. Even on the days you know for a fact you are not doing a great job, but simply surviving, you are in fact, doing a great job.

I could tell you about what I’ve been doing to try to stay sane. I could talk to you about my mental health and routines, or lack thereof. I could tell you what’s worked for me, and what hasn’t. I know that isn’t necessarily helpful to all. Though it may be to some.

I don’t know that I have what it takes to support all moms in my village right now. Hell, like all of you, I don’t know that I have what it takes to support my own family in the way they need right now.

I’ve made some cloth masks for family and friends. Then I saw an infographic that basically said cloth masks aren’t actually helpful, but they’re better than nothing. Which feels like a metaphor for life right now. Nothing seems to be actually helpful, but it’s better than nothing.

Some days are better than others. I have hope (most days) that we will come out of this “more.” More of a community. More self aware. More humble. I’m a big believer that everything happens for a reason. While we don’t always know the reason, I have to believe the world hitting the pause button, can’t be for absolutely nothing.

At least that’s what I’m choosing to believe in. Because we all have to have something.

More than anything, I’m bummed. Not in a largely depressed or anxious way, but for Lukewarm Coffee and my vision for what this village would be. For me, for you, for us as a community of moms that need support.

I envisioned the weather warming up and continuing our mama meet ups on a monthly basis. I imagined us gathering at local businesses for coffee, wine, play dates, mom dates, farmer’s markets… And now, my mind keeps wandering, and wandering because I don’t know what I envision for our village right now. Especially since things continue to change.

Social media is hard right now. We’re all doing the best we can as moms, partners, employees and friends, and everyone is posting their highlight reel- their “productivity porn.” Some days it’s motivating. Other days, it just fuels self doubt.

I’ve been all over the map. Some days I wake up ready to conquer the world, or at least my little slice of it. I’ve been home since March 5th and I started off strong. Within the first few weeks, I tackled a lot of projects I’d be meaning to. Two of our rooms were essentially storage, so we spent a weekend cleaning and organizing so we would have more “usable” space in our house.

I’ve done a couple Pinterest art projects, not an easy feat with a 9 month old. I’ve cooked, cleaned, baked. I’ve started seeds and mapped out a garden. I’ve stocked and organized our fridge and pantry. I’ve made lists. I’ve stacked wood.

I’ve also spent days where I did nothing. Netflix and nursing. Which is almost hourly at this point because of teething. I’ve spent days unshowered in the same clothes. I’ve put mascara on once. I’m rocking the messiest of mom buns, while trying to grow out an undercut. I didn’t dress our girl in a cute outfit for Easter and take cute photos.

There are dirty dishes, dirty laundry and dirty floors to be tended to. I’m not motivated to do any of it, depending on the day. I’m still forcing myself to see that silver lining. Some days is harder than others.

But here we are trying, despite it all. And that’s what we will keep doing. It’s what we’re made for.

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart.

You’re killing it, mama.

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